Just float.

A lightbulb has gone off in my head tonight. Rather, God has revealed to me what He is teaching me right here, right now in this moment; gentleness. Eek! It’s plain as day. To be completely honest with you, gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit that I HAD already proudly checked off  my high Christian horse list of one that I, of course, already “mastered” and had “down pat”. As my Spanish professor in high school would say, WRONG-O!!!  I need to work on gentleness. This is a gut wrencher for me. It’s the greatest feeling when you get slapped in the face by the Author of your life. Thanks, God! To say/think I am ungentle makes me sound like a hard-hearted, cold-blooded meanie.  Gentleness is so much more than being warm, kind and soft. What does gentleness really mean? Here are some definitions that I have found from Beth Moore’s “Living Beyond Yourself” study that describe gentleness:

“meekness…inward grace of soul, calmness toward God in particular…the acceptance of God’s dealings with us considering them as good in that they enhance the closeness of our relationship with Him…it is not the result of weakness but the activity of the blessedness that exists in one’s heart from being actively angry at evil…”

Gentleness is submission, the “resting of resistance to God.” To sum it up: STOP FIGHTING GOD. I am guilty of hanging on by a thread to MY will while the Lord’s will hits me out of no where like a ton of bricks. Oh sweet soul have I gone kicking and screaming, tapping my toe at Jesus with a smug look on my face as if I deserve any better than this life He has given me. I was talking to another change-despising friend the other day about an analogy that truly visualizes this act of “submission” for me. Imagine we are standing hip high in the ocean at the beach and a massive, gnarly (such a beach word) wave is coming at you. In that moment you can choose one of two options; 1) lock your knees and get slammed by the wave OR 2) bend your knees and simply float as the water takes you where it intends to go.  Oh boy would I rather NOT drown. I get it now. He is teaching me this VITAL fruit of the Spirit that can sometime go unnoticed, but yet seeps into every aspect of my life and in every relationship. I need to calmly accept what God is doing, see it as GOOD and LET HIM do what He created me to do and LET HIM lead me down the path He has laid out before me. I need to float. The great thing about learning things like this is that I will never be perfect and the Son of God didn’t come to die for perfect people. Whew. Can I get a Hallelujah?

“As for me, I am in Your hands; do with me whatever you think is good and right.” Jeremiah 26:14

bittersweet.

I’m back.

It’s been awhile. Reading back through old posts from last year, awe is an understatement of emotion that I feel when I think of where I am now…on the other side of those requests, events of excitement and prayers (answered). One thing I have been reminded about in reading my old (and few) posts is that God is stinkin’ FAITHFUL. I encourage everyone to stop right now, go through your old blog posts, journals, notes, whatever and SEE for yourself that He HAS answered prayers in your own lives. I promise they will be a catalyst for an increase in faith, like mine have been.

Anyways, where am I now? To sum up the season of life that I am in currently, one word comes to mind: bittersweet. As cliché as it sounds, I am on the verge of a new, fresh chapter in life. Everyone keeps telling me that “this is the time to spread your wings and fly” or “the world is at your fingertips.” So much excitement, yet so much fear. If you know me, then you know that I don’t like change. At all. I am consistent and loyal. Maybe I don’t want to spread my wings and take off just yet. A part of me wants to stay on the ground. I like everything to always stay the same. I don’t like change to the point that I feel a sudden rush of sheer panic every time I think of leaving the quaint, wonderful town of College Station, my house bursting with encouraging roommates and the people that have helped shape me as a woman over the past four years. The reality is, all of this WILL come true in May when I graduate and move to a completely new city and start a new job…[cue panic attack]. What do I know to be true, though? That God is the same yesterday, today and will be tomorrow. He never changes. Amidst the changing circumstances in my life, He is constant. THAT, my dear friends, is so incredibly comforting. If this season of life has been tough for you too, you will love this verse:

“Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord – that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful.” James 5:11

If you know the story of Job, then you know that he had everything taken away from him; family, livestock, everything. Literally. How did the story end? God restored everything to him and then some…TWICE as much as he had to begin with! All I know is that once I’m on the other side of this big fat mountain of change I am facing, the end intended by the Lord will be great and His plans will be so much better than I can think or fathom at this point. Although I am being shaken and stretched and pushed out of my bubble of sweet comfort, I just need to endure. Persevere. Enjoy each moment that I am in NOW, in the PRESENT. He will lead me one baby step at a time. And the same goes for you. He is full of mercy and compassion. Amen.

Can’t wait to see what streams he is crafting in my desert this year…

psalms

I am thankful. Thankful for a God who is the same yesterday, today and will be tomorrow. I stand in awe. He has my whole heart. I am the apple of His eye and He has hidden me under His wings. He has clothed me with gladness. In Him is the fountain of life. He instructs me and teaches me. He is my Shepherd. He hears my voice when I call out. Even if I am led astray, He is still there. And leads me back to the path of life. The path that is narrow and that few will find. He is full of compassion. He picked me up out of the miry clay and set my feet upon the rock. He redeemed me. He defends me. My flesh and my heart fail, but He is my strength & my shield. He comforts me on every side. He is just. He broke my chains. He heals and restores my soul. He has tried my mind and knows my heart. My hope is in Him. He has crowned me with glory and honor when I don’t deserve it. In His presence is fullness of joy & at His right hand are pleasures forevermore. His lovingkindness is better than life. He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. I will look up. May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in His sight. He is my light. Give unto the Lord the GLORY DUE TO HIS NAME.

hello conviction.

“…The desire of our soul is for Your name…”

Isaiah 26:8

“But His Word was in my heart like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I was weary of holding it back and I could not.”

Jeremiah 20:9

Arise. Awaken. Rise Up.  Go.

These are the words that the Lord has screamed in my face throughout scripture over the last month. For the past few hours today, I have been sitting in my bed, eyes glued to my computer and heart tugged as I am filled with straight up truth from the live streaming of the Passion Conference in Atlanta. I haven’t felt this much conviction in a long time. I became fully aware that I have been proven guilty of laziness, complacency, leaning on my own strength, controlling my life my way, wanting to play it safe and consciously letting opportunities pass right by me that could have been used for His Glory. Romans 7:24 begins with, “Oh wretched man that I am!” That is me. I am wretched. I am filthy. I am a sinner. But that’s not where this verse ends. It concludes with “Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God – through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Although I am wretched, I am free and made whole again through the blood that was shed when Jesus was nailed to that cross. I don’t deserve it, I don’t understand it, but I am thankful. Thankful that I have a God that loves me enough to take the punishment I deserve. I am made pure, holy and blameless in His sight. What I love most about Jesus is that he came as a human and lived as we do. He experienced all that we experience. Betrayal. Humiliation. Suffering. Our Creator SUFFERED for wretched people like us. Do you know any other "god" that’s done that? I don’t. 

What I have been thankfully reminded of today is that this TRUTH is urgent. This Good News is URGENT. There are souls at stake. Your soul is at stake. Your children’s souls and your children’s childrens souls are at stake. I need to get my butt off the couch, lay aside my wants, my fears, my desires and pursue Him and His people. He doesn’t say that as His followers we are to be comfortable and secure. He has a purpose for everyone and if we aren’t going out bringing this truth to lost people and making disciples of all nations, then we are just being disobedient. I admit that I have been disobedient. But, it is my prayer that the Lord would push me, and every single one of you, and give us boldness to do His will. Satan comes to seek, kill and destroy and I pray that we don’t let him. I pray that the desire of our soul IS for His name and His Word is so shut up in our bones that we just can’t hold it in.

This is my challenge for myself and for you this year:

Find darkness and go. 

hungry

It's technically day two of Christmas break for me since I just spent the past few days at the ranch with some stinkin' awesome friends. (check out Krissy's blog to see pics from the week & all her other cool posts: kgmackenzie.blogspot.com) Shout out to God for seriously blessing me with the most encouraging and legit community of people to surround myself with.

Okay, confession time.

Since I don't keep in touch with that many high school friends, breaks like these are get-away times where I scrapbook until I run out of things to scrapbook about, get in bed at 9, visit my grandma, watch excessive amounts of reality TV...and read books? Shoot, might as well call me a grandma.

Anyways, today was a big day. I went to Barnes and Nobles and not only spent hours staring at books I WISH I had time to read, but I finally bought the beloved Hunger Games. Now I'm diving headfirst into the series obsession. Yep, the addiction has begun. When I got in bed at 9 (I wish I was kidding), I reached over to my nightstand where the Hunger Games is now competing with my Bible for space, and I seriously had to stop and make a decision as to which one I picked up. I'm not going to lie, I wanted to pick up the Hunger Games...BUT I didn't. I started reading Psalm 119. Go ahead, read it. The whole chapter, all 176 verses of it, reveals David's heart and HUNGER for His Word. Not only that, but David claims multiple times that he loves it. 

"And I will delight myself in Your commandments,

Which I love.

My hands also I will lift up to Your commandments,

Which I love, 

And I will meditate on Your statutes."

"For Your Word has given me life."

"You are my hiding place and my shield,

I hope in Your Word."

I guess you can say I'm convicted. Should I love the Word like David does? Yes. Do I love the Word like David does? Not most days. Slap to the face. But what a sweet reminder from Him...I hear you, Lord.

Just a few more pages of Hunger Games before I go to sleep won't hurt, right?

what a week.

Wow. I almost forgot I had a blog this week...I guess I'm still getting used to this new, fun, creative outlet.

Well, it's been a while and I must say that this week has been one of the most joyful, exciting, hard, spontaneous, chaotic, busy weeks of my life.

Let me fill you in on what the Lord has been doing...

 Saturday:

My BEST FRIEND in the entire world got ENGAGED. The Lord brought her a wonderful guy and he liked it so he put a ring on it.

To propose, he made a movie about her and how she embodies the Proverbs 31 woman. Yes, I bawled my eyes out during the entire thing, but what a wonderful reminder to strive towards Him and allow Him to make me into the virtuous woman that he wants me to be...with noble character, kindness on her tongue and one who, because of Him, is worth far more than rubies.

Although I thought I would be constantly reminded that I am dreadfully single during the weekend in Dallas, the Lord gave me such a wonderful heart full of joy and excitement for my sweet friend of 18 years. Couldn't be happier for her. :)

Oh, and I was crafty and made that cute pinterest banner for the engagement party...hey, I was proud of myself.

Monday:

This picture may look confusing to you, BUT in a nutshell it shows the fact that I am going to be a PLEDGE TRAINER for the new chi o pledge class in the fall. Holy moly, I have yet to believe it. I knew that the Lord was preparing me for something and I was NOT expecting this. So thankful and excited to pour my stinkin heart out to these freshmen and be the hands and feet of Christ next year.

This, my friend, is a STREAM that He has created.

Tuesday:

Today was Chloe's 21st birthday. Jen and I woke up at the crack of dawn, Chloe skipped class and the day was filled with laughter, yummy food, target runs, and manicures. As we were driving through the streets of Austin with music blaring, I couldn't help but smile and be overwhelmed with contentment and thankfulness for the sweet, sweet friend's the Lord has incredibly blessed me with. Chloe is moving to Uganda in January to be the assistant director at a women's home in Gulu. This girl is the picture of obedience and truly abandoning everything for her Maker. 

Fast forward a few days and you'll find me here, braindead, laying in my cozy bed because now I am amidst the chaos of finals. sick. 

However, no matter how stressed I am, this has been my anthem this week:

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,

My lips shall praise You.

Thus, I will bless You while I live;

I will lift up my hands in Your name.

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,

And my mouth shall praise You

with joyful lips."

psalm 63:3-5

chapstick, chapped lips, and things like chemistry

It's been one of those days where your "to do" list is so long, it makes you want to cry. 

However, amidst the chaos of today, I have been given so many provisions from the Lord it's insane. Just to name a few...

I'll start with the little ones :)

1. My lips were so chapped all day, it hurt. I was in my car, just so happened to reach into the abyss of my console (which I never do) and what do you know, there appeared some chapstick. Thank You, Jesus.
2. During my 6 hours spent on campus today, I was starting to get extremely hungry and didn't have any money to get a snack. With my stomach growling, I dug through my backpack and found a butterfinger. Thank You, Jesus.
3. I had been trying to access something that was due on the internet all day, but forgot some vital information in order to log on. When I stepped foot in my class, my friend that I sat next to had the same problem as me, was working on it and so graciously gave me the email of a women that could help me. Problem solved. Thank You, Jesus.
4. I was feeling tired, irritated and had the "stuck in traffic" blues. I immediately get an encouraging and uplifting call from a friend. All better. Thank You, Jesus.
5. I have two parties to plan for this weekend and that means twice the baking, cooking, grocery shopping, etc on top of everything else I have to do. A few hours later, two of my roommates so graciously volunteer to bake and help with decorations. Thank You, Jesus. 
6. I have been stressed about money and finding work over the holidays. I get an email this morning from a friends mom that owns a retail store asking me to work and help out over Christmas break while I'm home. Again, Thank You Jesus.

Bam. No matter how long and stressful this day may have been, the Lord was STILL in it and in control. 

Now, I'm off to cross things off my list. WHOOP.

God is good.

P.S. any Relient K fans get the title? hope so.